It's amazing how one minor occasion can leave you to feel like you don't know who you are anymore. That one thing can turn your entire world upside down. I'm referring to the incident of losing a friend. For a long time, I have been able to hide who I actually am from the world and I did it so well that I actually lost myself. But I'm taking it one day at a time.
This summer, I went through a lot of things. I was opened to new things, new faces and introduced to new experiences I can no longer take back and ever be the same again. One of those experiences was losing a friend, but also losing a unhealthy relationship that I needed to. In previous posts, I talked about a guy named Dre who was an old friend of mine from back in high school debate years. We recently got acquainted, a little more than I planned but our relationship if that is what you can call it came to an end this fall. After the last time I had sex with Dre, I went through a transformation. This epiphany was a revelation that allowed me to begin to put the pieces back together for myself. It's called Respect. Dre did not respect me, although he claimed he did and that he loved me and all this other bullshit. But his actions did not add up to his words. He was very charming, but I suppose all liars are because that's how they get what they want. Upon this encounter I had with Dre, I kept feeling anxious and guilty at myself and at the possibility that I might be pregnant and of course, guys never have to think about this. I insisted upon the use of protection, but Dre clearly took it as a joke and every time just never used it. And he knows how important to me it is that he does. And his reply to me was: "Baby, honestly, I forgot what they were." So I forgot who he was and I stopped contacting him and I started to do me. He was hurt of course, told me not to contact him and all, but that was gonna be coming anyway. It has been almost four months since we last talked and I do not miss him. Thinking back on all that was said and done, I'm glad I can no longer call him a friend. He was abusive because he didn't respect my boundaries and thought it was all a joke, he thought everything was a joke. To think about it, it actually is funny. In losing him, I lost myself and that in effect, made my shadow come to light. It cracked down all my walls, of all the hurt and pain that I never dealt with. I cried for days and nights and felt depressed and unhappy. But it also brought attention to a wound I didn't even know was there and which now, I can heal. Guys, if you are reading this, it is very important to always continually ask a girl what she wants. Don't just assume because of something that was said before, always continue to ask. We live off of our assumptions everyday and that is one of the reasons why we have problems with racism, sexism and prejudice because we don't effectively communicate our needs and feelings. So I do below as a example for you and how to move forward/ When I see that you continue to have sex without even asking me or mentioning the use of a condom, I feel that you don't value or respect me as a person, because my need for safety, security and mutuality is/is not met. Would you be willing to fuck off and never talk to me again? I have written poems to fill the emptiness I felt when you made me feel worthless. I poured my heart into my craft and it shattered all the self confidence and assurance that I thought I had for myself and for life. I am learning to walk again. I am remembering what it felt like to love myself before the thought that anyone could became so damn important and mandatory. I have always questioned everything, but because of you, I now second guess everything. Thank you for being the push I needed to actually feel something again, even if I had to feel hopeless to do so.
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