There has been a lot on my mind. And I feel like I just need to sit down and write. Write what's on my mind because that's all I can seem to do right these days. I feel like every time I turn around, the world is turning to shit and its hard to find hope. How can I expect for there to be any left when I don't even have any in myself. It's like every time I think I have learned a lesson, I go on and fuck up everything for myself again. Why, just why?
I wish I had answers. I wish I could just call up a psychic right now and ask for the answers. I don't know If I am really sick or with child or just completely insane. I wish I had the answers. All I keep thinking is, life is too short. I'm about to go away to college and all I can think about right now is "Am I even going to be alive that long?" Because if I am with child, I am going to harm myself. And If I am not, but I have some bad virus, I still couldn't live with myself, knowing that I can't be with the one I love, which is Dre. I love Dre so much but I am so afraid to tell him because if I do, how will he react? Will he be mad and slam the door in my face? Will he laugh or cry? Or will he tell me the same as I have told him? Lord, he's the only one in this world who I never know what he's thinking. He's the only one. So why in the hell would I go and have sex with Sean again? I don't know. Maybe it was doubt. Maybe it was me running away from what I already know. Sean already admitted to me that he's afraid of loving or trusting anyone again. Is that's why it's so hard to tell him goodbye. Maybe that's what I was saying when I fucked him again. I don't even know anymore. So be it.
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