I can see where the phrase comes from. March has literally been full of chaos for me, I don't even know where to begin to explain. All you need to know is how I got to the point of feeling like fuck romantic love and fuck guys and how I am just going to die alone (and I'm okay with that).
In the beginning of March, I slept with this guy named Victor. He goes to Springfield College and he's around my age. He is Puerto Rican and wants to be a psychologist. I could put a picture up but that I think that'd be going to far, but I don't know, depending on how I feel about him in the next couple of days, I might reconsider. Anyway, Victor, who when I began talking to him, turned out to be just one of the dumbest decisions I ever made, like worse than bugman, although Victor is really attractive. Not only is Victor a little stupid, but he has a kid as well, which should have been the end line for anything going forward between us, but of course, I didn't want to judge the guy and its not like he isn't taking care of his responsibility. So I met Victor off of Tinder and we got to talking about a lot of things including aliens and sport injuries, hobbies, etc. We talked for about two weeks before I actually met him. He asked if I wanted to chill after I got off of work. At first, I was hesitant to meet him and there was a lot of events I was trying to go to that night. But they ended up not working out so I told him he could come over. I'll admit at first I was nervous because I had never officially met anyone off of tinder before (Sean was whisper, and Bugman was yikyak, Ik my quality in apps lmfao). Victor was coming from Springfield which is about 15 miles away from me, so he caught an uber here, which is pretty expensive but I was glad he came here cause I damn sure wasn't traveling to him. Anyway, he got here and we smoked and then we watched a lot of things on Netflix (classic) including Shameless, Black Mirror, some conspiracy stuff, Adventure Time and something else. Around watching one of these, me and Victor started making out and one thing led to another and he ended up not leaving until the next morning. Now a couple of days later from that, Me and him went to see Get Out on a Sunday which was a really good fucking movie and you should see it if you haven't. Anyway, after we left the movies, we came back to my dorm and planned on taking acid together. So we bought the acid and right after we both took it, he left and I went to dinner with my friends waiting for it to kick in. We texted each other a little bit in between but it was a crazy long night. We took the acid around 6pm so I didn't end up going to sleep until like 6am the next morning. After this event, me and Victor would talk every now and then, which I didn't mind because Spring Break was around the corner so I was busy with getting school stuff done before then. So I go home for Spring Break and here is where all the madness just erupts. The first thing I do is schedule a doctor's appointment to get check out and make sure everything with me is fine cause at the time, I was feeling extremely sick with like stomach pain and headaches and joint pain. I thought that I might have a staph infection, so I tell my doctor this and she gives me some antibiotics to take in order to help me feel better. I also ask her if I can get tested for like STD stuff because that is really important to just check up on monthly so we do that as well (and it was definitely necessary because I did not use a condom with Victor at all which I know is stupid to not do but it happens). So about a couple days later, I get a call back from my doctor and she tells me that they need me to come back to the health center, but they won't tell me what for. So I'm like freaking tf out like what's wrong with me, and when I'm not sure about things, I think the worst possible outcome so HIV came to mind (it could also be because I am taking an HIV/AIDS class) but still. So I'm eager to go to the doctors and so I book the earliest time to come in which is 9am. I get there and I go by myself because I just couldn't fathom having to get bad news with family around (I know they are suppose to be comforting, but I prefer to do some things alone). Anyway, so they call me in the back and I sitting there for a good like 10 mins and then my doctor finally comes in and she's like "so we got your results back and it did come back positive for Gonorrhea." I was so relieved to hear that, but I was also pretty astounded at the news that I have Gonorrhea. So my doctor treats me for it and lets me know that I have to contact whoever gave it to me so they can get treated (and I knew that the only people I had slept with in the last 3 months were Dre and Victor). So I immediately contact them both, but I was more focused on Victor because he was my most recent pursuit and I was pretty sure it was him, which it was. So relieved and astounded and in pain from having to get a shot in my ass, I go home and I tell my sister, because I know damn well I was not going to tell my mother because if I told her, the whole world would know by the end of the week. My mother was very angry that I wouldn't tell her but she had no right to be. I told her that I would tell her when I was ready to. So later that day after me, my mom and my sister got back home from shopping, Sean came over the house just to check in on things and catch up, which ended up being really nice. We watched The Magicians and he complained about the acting being bad, but I disagreed. We ate grapes and talked about how everything was going since I left for college. I told him about me trying acid, and discovering the power of marijuana and I also told him about Victor and Bugman. He told me that he has a girlfriend, but that she's like 42 or 45 years old. He says she has a young body and a young personality (okay?!). He told me he still hates his job and is thinking about doing acting full time, which means traveling a lot. He also tried to clarify if he had herpes or not which he thinks he doesn't but you never know with males because they never show any symptoms for anything which I complained about. He continued to impersonate the way old italian men gesture and I laughed because I though it was funny and stupid. After a while, he left and it was really nice to talk to him as a friend and we had no other expectations other than being friends. As far as Dre goes, I don't really know and at the moment, I really don't give a shit. I got a lot to deal with and evidently so does he and maybe that is how things should be. I left that upcoming Sunday to deal with the bullshit Megabus which was hell and chaotic but at least its the last time I'll have to deal with it this year (Spring Break was the last break til Summer). After I got back to school, I was still feeling sick and I continued to take the medicine the doctor gave to me. My doctor said that the antibiotics which she gave me for any infection I had might cause a yeast infection, which it did and so I recently got treated for that. I also currently have a stomach virus provided from my school not cooking the food properly so thanks Saga, I hate you! I am presently trying to recover from that from my increasing hate for this world. Ways of coping include smoking (but not using it to solve my problems only for fun), hosting a smoke/drink party in my room and hanging out with my friends while also going to various events around the school. The only thing that has been going on that is concerning is that for the last past two days, I have been having really intense nightmares which is weird cause I never have nightmares. I went to the health center today to talk to someone about it and they said it could be stress and all this talk about death (because of one of class projects). I'm not sure. In conclusion (oh wow, wtf am I doing, writing a paper, ha!), tomorrow I hope will be better. Depending on how I feel tomorrow will determine if I show up for the one class I do have tomorrow at MHC (it's advising day-no classes). Tomorrow I am also going to follow-up with Victor on how he is doing. The last couple of texts I sent me, he has not responded to, so I am just going to ask him if he got everything sorted out and that be like last time we talk because at this point, I'm done with everything (guys, hookups, the idea of dating and love) fuck it all. Goodnight and God Bless!
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